I’m telling the story of two songs at the same time, because the backstory for both of them is the same. I thought about trying to come up with another perspective to make it more interesting/funnier, but it’s just not there. These two songs are two different sides of the same story, so here goes.
I’m Not Falling In Love With You
In my entire adult life, I’ve been serially single. Not always by design, mind you, but that’s just been the nature of my life. I’ve had relationships, obviously, but they were never the right fit. I’ve had a few long-lasting loves, over the course of years, but I went through a period from 2013-2016 where I would date a guy for a few weeks or months, and then break up with him. In my defense, I was still grieving, some days more than others, and I was also really focused on my career. I’ll go ahead and admit that I am also stubbornly independent, and at the time, I wasn’t going to let some guy change my life unless he was really worth that amount of change; I had been through enough change. I grew to enjoy sleeping alone, being alone, having full control over whatever I wanted to do without compromising or even considering the wants and needs of someone else. I didn’t need a man in my life, so I grew very picky and finicky about dating. My friends went so far as to invent a new verb for how I would so easily end relationships with perfectly fine men: “Seinfelding.” In the sitcom, the characters would tend to find one fatal flaw with a love interest and then there was no going back from that. It was usually something benign, but significant enough to make them want to bail. Here’s a video that compiles the whole sentiment:
Anyway, as you can see– “She eats her peas, one at a time!” — the reasons I would find to get out of a relationship were usually pretty lame. In my head and my heart, I just knew the guy wasn’t it for me, even if I really badly wanted him to be. I didn’t really ever know what it would be like, but I could tell it wasn’t, and I would, as my dad likes to put it, pull the parachute cord. Over that time period, I’d had some wonderful, gracious, kind, funny, intelligent, chivalrous men want to be a significant part of my life, and for reasons that were usually a mystery to all of us, I just didn’t feel the same about them. My friends were generally baffled, as was I.
I wrote the song “I’m Not Falling In Love With You” (full lyrics here) about a couple different situations like this. I was tired of online dating; tinder and match.com and eharmony and even random facebook messages were wearing me out. I thought I was ready for the real thing, but I wasn’t finding it. I was finding really wonderful people, and I still maintain friendships with many of them, but the spark, the chemistry, the magic was missing. I met and started dating a guy who was a total catch– attractive, funny, smart, great job, responsible adult, had a plan and life built, didn’t have crazy baggage. On paper, our lives together would have been as close to perfect as anyone could hope for. I wanted soo, soo badly to fall head over heels in love with him. I didn’t. I hated hurting him, because he did nothing to deserve it. But at the same time, to continue the relationship seemed disingenuous, knowing what I knew about my heart and the feelings I wasn’t having for him. I wrote the song before we broke up, but it was my way of preparing myself for disappointing him. I tweaked a few of the verses a few months or a year later, when I was going through the same thing again with a different, equally great guy.
I always liked this song because it’s universally real; it’s something everybody has felt at some point in their life. Or, maybe everybody’s been on at least one side of this. Sometimes, people just don’t fall in love, even if it looks like that is the most logical thing to do. It’s really difficult to be honest sometimes, but sometimes hurting someone with your honesty is the kindest thing you can do (as long as you do it kindly). This song aims for that feeling.
I Think It’s You
Anyway, so I was single for a full year at one point, and feeling defeated about it. One night, while having dinner with an older and wiser girlfriend, she suggested I check out the book “The Secret.” I did some quick googling and promptly told her that wishing for someone perfect to manifest themselves out of the universe wasn’t exactly a great dating strategy. Prince Charming was not going to come riding up on his white horse just because I imagined it. However, she made an accurate observation– I had no idea what I was looking for. I just wanted it to be perfect, to be the kind of person worth changing for, but I didn’t know what that even looked like. She suggested I make a list of what I was looking for, but not just any list– a precise list of every physical feature, character trait, value set, personality quirks, everything down to what kind of vehicle he would drive. I rolled my eyes so far back in my head I could see my brain. The way I saw it, this was some crystal-twinkie stuff on the level of magical thinking, and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Two years later, I was newly single, again (no surprise). I was beginning to think there was actually something wrong with me. Why was I so unable to fall in love with these wonderful people??? I took her advice and wrote the stupid list, stashed it away, felt superficial and silly, and then forgot all about it.
About a year later, I met someone who was literally, no kidding, exactly what I had written down on the list. I couldn’t believe it! I called my best friend (not the one who suggested the list, though), and told her all about this guy, running down the “checklist” or all the qualities he had and how he was so perfect and it was meant to be and I couldn’t wait to start dating him and get married and have kids and get old, etc., etc.. She listened to my middle-school-esque fervor, and then calmly said, “Lacey, put the clipboard down.” She pointed out that it was waaaay too early to be having those kinds of thoughts and ideas about someone I barely knew. Also, it puts too much pressure on the person to live up to that list. She was right, of course, but that didn’t make me pump the brakes at all.
I didn’t listen to her. I got home, pulled out the guitar and wrote the song, almost in one sitting. Everything felt right! It felt like all my waiting and trying and hoping and wishing were finally paying off! I had done everything right! I hadn’t settled! I hadn’t given up on true love! My happy ending fairy tale was coming true! I couldn’t wait for it to start! When I listen to it now, I hear very plainly that the song is full of wishful hypotheticals, but the whole chorus is a very tenuous refrain: I think it’s you. Not, “I know it’s you.” Or, “Thank goodness it’s you.” Or, “I knew it would be you.” It’s “I think….” Not exactly the dream-coming-true certainty that you’d hope for. So, even though my recollection is that I was very sure it was this particular person, I think somewhere in my subconsciousness, I still had some doubt.
That guy turned out to not be interested in me. We never dated or even got to know each other; the list didn’t matter because it never got off the ground. When you have a checklist of things like that, you talk yourself in and out of things that might be great, or might be terrible, but having a criteria like that is impossible to achieve in a human. It’s still a lovely song, though (lyrics here). I loved the way we used electric guitar and the keyboard sounds to create an ethereal, floating feel to the song. It’s slower than I had originally written it, but it felt more comfortable to sing that way. I love the way it turned out, and I hope you do too.
As my best friend so wisely suggested, I put the clipboard down and ended up meeting someone who would have never been on my radar otherwise. I’m happy to say we’re doing really well, and are waaay past the usual expiration date for my relationships. I didn’t Seinfeld him, and he loves my independence and stubbornness (most of the time). I’ve been lucky to be loved by him, lucky to have fallen in love with him. If you’re still searching, my only advice is to do something you would have never done and see what happens. Put the clipboard down, log off the interwebs of dating, and just go do something or go somewhere that you normally wouldn’t. You might be surprised…
-Lacey
p.s. Next week, I’ll tell you how one of those aforementioned guys that I met through a dating site called me out on my bull@#$% and made me take a closer look at myself. Also, I’ll be in California for some shows, so if you’re in California, look me up! You can follow my trip on instagram and facebook— @laceyblackmusic. I’ll be posting photos and observations as I go– this will be my first gig out of state since April, so I’m excited! See you soon!
Wow. For someone who has been happily married for 35 years, I had almost forgotten the pure anguish of the ‘dating game’. Like you, and most other people, I went through the same ups and downs of relationships, the agony of breaking up, the depression and despair. Broken hearts have caused so many sleepless nights, so much soul-searching and emotion-draining exhaustion. Your lyrics, so personal to you, can have many different meanings to each of those who hear them – your music speaks to so many! Thanks for sharing your gift, and thanks for sharing the ‘story behind the song’ blog. It has been very interesting to hear the inspiration behind your music!